Doctor Who Team-Up
by agrader
Summary: Actually each chapter features a different crossover show/book/other medium character and a different one of the Doctor's lives and different companions. I can only tag one crossover show on this site, and went for 007's popularity. Use chapter headings and chapter opening notes to learn who's in each one. James Bond will be in Chapter 3. I tagged Dr's 2, 4, 6, but will use all Drs
1. The Horror of Fawlty Towers

Spoiler Warnings: Doctor Who episodes "City of Death", "Invasion of Time", "Warrior's Gate" (minor spoilers of all 3), Fawlty Towers episodes "The Rat", "The Psychiatrist", "The Kipper and the Corpse".

(Featuring the 4th Doctor, Adric, and the characters from "Fawlty Towers")

 _Chapter Bgn Notes: This chapter occurs between the Season 18 Doctor Who stories "Warriors' Gate" and "Keeper of Traken"and shortly after Fawlty Towers Season 2._

 _England, 1980…._

Basil Fawlty was managing the reception desk of his hotel/restaurant Fawlty Towers in a scenic location in England, when several ladies with unusually large eyebrows walked into the hotel lobby.

"Good afternoon, ladies, and welcome to Fawlty Towers," said Basil, "Do you have a booking?"

"Booking for what?" asked one of the women.

"For a room, to stay the night," said Basil, "One would assume that I was referring to hotel accomodation bookings, since we don't run races or give medical checkups or psychiatric sessions."

"Not even for _you_ Basil," came the droll voice of his wife Sybil, entering the room, "If you recall, we did have at least one psychiatrist staying here in 1975. Still that was four years ago."

"We are not here for this… accomodation," said one of the ladies, "I am Ann, and we would like to have a table at your restaurant."

"And your surname, please," said Basil.

"Drowgum," said the lady.

"Will you require an aperitif?" asked Basil.

"Our English is not very good. We come from Spain. We've been staying there for a while, learning Spanish," said another lady.

"I see," said Basil with a somewhat sarcastic sneer, "You come from Spain where you've been learning their language, and now you're in England where you haven't yet learned ours. Well don't let it put you off. Our Spanish waiter from Barcelona, Manuel has been here for several years and he's still learning our language too. Feel free to speak Spanish to him when you place your orders, and it might actually improve his delivery skills."

"Don't be rude to the guests, Basil. I'd hate to have to tell them why you're never taking me on another holiday to Spain," said Sybil, "Come this way, ladies. I believe we have a table free on the side of the dining room furthest from the windows. Still I expect you'll enjoy a good walk outside after you've dined, and you can take in the scenery then."

"And take you off with them," mumbled Basil.

"What was that, dear?" asked Sybil with a tone of inquisition.

"And you'll take off with them…. Have the afternoon off," said Basil, wondering why he hadn't found the fibre within himself to break his habit of resorting to insults and instead reign in his dominant woman wife.

Soon Sybil had the ladies seated at a table, and asked Manuel to fetch two extra chairs and then begin taking their orders.

"You can address these customers in Spanish, if you wish, Manuel," added Sybil, "They've been speaking Spanish while they were in Spain."

"Si, Mrs Fawlty," said Manuel.

The Doctor was coming to the end of his fourth life, although he didn't know that yet. He and his latest companion Adric had recently said farewell to Romana and the second K9 unit, leaving them in a place best described as another dimension. It was named E-space. Adric had come from E-space and chosen to travel with the Doctor in his TARDIS.

The Doctor had previously left the first K9 on his home planet Gallifrey with Leela and her boyfriend Andred. Now he'd parted with another K9 and a timelady too. For the first time since Steven Taylor, his only passenger was a boy. The Doctor was thinking about taking a trip to Traken, when it occurred to him that it would be nice to go to earth again too.

"Do you know, Adric, I've run out of jellybabies? There's only one planet in the universe where you can buy them, and we could stop off for some lunch too…. if we arrive at lunch time," said the Doctor.

"Do you think the TARDIS can manage it?" asked Adric.

"Well of course she can manage it. Take no notice, old thing," said the Doctor, patting the console.

In the Fawlty Towers dining room, Manuel took up a pencil and paper and addressed the ladies in perfect Spanish.

What would you like for your main course? asked Manuel.

You with a mixture of seasonings said Miss Drowgum.

Carumba! said Manuel.

Is there a problem? Do you not have seasonings here? asked Miss Drowgum.

You want to eat me! said Manuel.

You look young and tender, but please to shave off the moustache first. We do not like hairy flesh said Miss Drowgum.

Having heard Manuel's earlier scream, both Basil and Sybil Fawlty entered the room.

"I'm sorry, is something the matter?" asked Sybil.

She want to eat me! said Manuel.

"In English, Manuel," said Sybil.

"But you tell me to speak in Spanish."

"Only to the Spanish guests, Manuel. The rest of us still manage to get by on the more local dialect," said Basil, raising his voice to speak above a strange grinding noise that was suddenly heard in the lobby.

"She say she want to eat me!" said Manuel.

"You must have lost something in translation," said Sybil, and then turning to the guests added, "Can I try taking your order in English, please?"

"I would like to have Manuel with mixed seasoning," said Ann.

"Nothing lost in translation there, Sybil," said Basil, "I'm sorry ladies. As unfamiliar with Spanish customs as we are, here in England we tend to order animal and vegetable food and let the waiters stick to serving it."

"But they're not discussing Spanish customs. They're discussing Androgum customs. Androgums are known for treating human beings as a delicacy. I saw enough of that when I met some of them in my second life while he was meeting with his sixth life," said the Doctor, entering the room. (See the Colin Baker / Patrick Troughton story "The Two Doctors". The grinding noise in the lobby had been the arrival of the TARDIS).

"I'm sorry. Does everyone here need a psychiatrist except me?" said Basil.

"I haven't seen a psychiatrist for centuries," said the Doctor, "My last psychiatrist thought my counsellor should see a shrink. I'm the Doctor, and this is my young friend Adric, and your guests are a threat to your safety, mainly because they have rather persistent designs on eating you."

"Is there something inadequate about our regular menu?" asked Basil, "By the way, Doctor, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before. What's your name?"

"I told you. I'm the Doctor."

"Well so was the man who insisted on having sausages just after a man died here, but he also had a Christian name and a surname," said Basil.

"He's just called the Doctor," said Adric, "That's his entire name."

"Well I am the Proprietor, and as disappointing as it's been trying to train Manuel, I don't plan to outplace him as the special of the day for a tribe of Spanish speaking canibals," said Basil, "You ladies can either order something on the menu or go and catch your own fish."

Ann Drowgum (the head Androgum) reached under her dress to a sheath on her leg and took out an enormous knife.

"I say, I thought I'd seen the last of those things when Leela left," said the Doctor.

Suddenly a loud gunshot was heard, and Ann Drowgum dropped the knife and began clutching her wrist in pain.

"I say, Fawlty," said the Major, "I think that moose has come off the wall again. I was about to go out fox hunting after a spot of lunch, when I saw the moose sitting at that table with its big eyebrows."

"Are you really a Major?" said the Doctor, "I knew a Brigadier once. What you have just done is save several hotel staff from being filleted alive."

"He probably couldn't even see where he was aiming that thing," said Basil.

"The only way to get rid of them is to persuade them to follow me into the TARDIS," said the Doctor, "And preferably knock them out in the process. Then I can take them back to their home planet and leave them there."

"What on earth is a TARDIS?" asked Basil.

"It's my ship," said the Doctor, "It's just out in the lobby."

He led them out to see it, while the Androgums sat at the table, tending to the wound of their injured leader.

The staff of Fawlty Towers and the Major, now joined by Polly the waitress, stared at the TARDIS.

"And this police box is your ship?" asked Sybil, "How on earth did you get it in here?"

"It materialized," said the Doctor.

"It just looks like it's vanishing or reappearing," said Adric, sensing that these earthlings were even more unfamiliar with the Doctor's ways than he had been after a few adventures in E-space.

"Wait a minute," said Basil, "Now I know where I've seen both you and your vanishing box before. I was in Paris taking a vacation from my wife-"

"You really shouldn't put down your spouse," said the Doctor, "Some planets out there don't even have marriage, just existence. You should consider yourself lucky."

"You were there, in the middle of the Louvre Art Gallery!" said Basil, "You stepped into this thing and pulled some illusion to make it seem to disappear." (See John Cleese's cameo in "City of Death", Doctor Who Season 17).

"And just what were you doing at the Louvre without me?" asked Sybil.

"I was seeking inspiration to brighten up this place," said Basil.

"Never mind that now," said the Doctor, "We need to knock out the Androgums, get them into the TARDIS, take them to their home planet, find a place on earth where I can buy more jellybabies, place our own orders in your restaurant, find you two a good marriage counsellor and then plot our own course to Traken. Now do you have anything that would knock out an Androgum? They don't respond to earthly tranquilisers, you know, and they do have a remarkable tolerance to most of our poisons. Come to think of it, most earth poisons act like mere tranquilisers to Androgums. Do you have any on hand?"

"What about the rat poison we tried to use, when the health inspector was due for his return visit," said Sybil.

"Well it obviously didn't get the rat, Sybil. I could see that, as soon as he turned up in the tin of biscuits we offered the inspector. It took another few visits to clear that one up and satisfy him not to close us down."

"Rat poison! Perfect!" said the Doctor, "Grab as much leftover meat as you can, pile it all on a plate, and mix in the rat poison with plenty of the seasoning they wanted. I heard you discussing it just after we landed."

"Polly go and get Terry onto it," said Sybil.

"But Mrs Fawlty, are you sure? I mean…. rat poison!" said Polly.

"They're aliens," said Sybil.

"I'll help you choose seasonings to please Androgum tastes," said the Doctor, "I vaguely recall the choices that appealed to Shockeye when I was under their influence while my sixth self was searching for me. Adric, stay here and give us a shout if the Androgums try anything."

Basil, Sybil, Polly, the Major and Manuel headed for the kitchen to show their chef that the staff were in complete agreement about the need to mix rat poison into food, and thus make sure Terry made no arguments.

"Try these ones," said the Doctor, selecting several jars of Masterfoods herbs and spices from the rack on the kitchen wall, "They were recommended by Mrs Beeton when I visited her kitchen. She's really much better than that Naked Chef I once met in your future. Fancy cooking a meal on television without your clothes on. He certainly wouldn't want Androgums gatecrashing his program."

"Everybody start unscrewing the lids and pour the spices onto the meat platter," said Sybil.

They had almost finished when Adric indeed gave a loud shout.

The Doctor and the Major ran out into the dining room to see that the Androgums had hoisted Adric onto the table and were about to each bite into one of his limbs.

"You can't do that. He hasn't been seasoned yet. Let us take him into the kitchen and bring out your first course while you wait. Don't spice it any more!" called the Doctor, "Just bring it out now!"

While the Major and the Doctor quickly hauled Adric off the table, with no resistance from the Androgums who were still in mortal fear of the Major's prowess with a shotgun. They took him to the kitchen and gave him some water to calm his nerves. Polly and Manuel served the platter of meat to the Androgums, who tucked in heartily, each swallowing enough rat poison to end history's most famous rat plague. Soon they had all fallen into a deep sleep. Then, aided by the staff of Fawlty Towers, the Doctor and Adric dragged the Androgums into the TARDIS.

"We'll return a few hours in your future, to give your chef time to whip up a nice human repast for us," said the Doctor.

He and Adric entered the TARDIS and set the coordinates for the women's home planet. They arrived, heaved them out the doors, and then returned to Fawlty Towers and enjoyed some of Terry's finest cooking.

"Now about your marriage counselling," said the Doctor to Basil in a low voice, while Sybil was managing the reception desk, "There's this marvelous clinical psychologist who's been keeping my old friends Ian and Barbara on an even keel after their time with my first self almost completely unhinged them."

"Sometimes I think that I would have married Polly in another life," said Basil.

"I know how you feel," said the Doctor, "I sometimes think I would have married Romana in another life, or at least, in one of my other lives."

The Doctor gave Basil the psychologist's card, after sorting it out from several other items in the pockets of his long maroonish red coloured coat. Then they took off, materialized undetectably around a real London police box in London, and used some of the Doctor's earth currency reserves to buy several bags of jelly babies from Woolworths.

"We must try this trick with another police box soon," said the Doctor, "I've been meaning to take some measurements to give to the Logopolitans when I get the chameleon circuit serviced." (Which he did, two stories later in "Logopolis").


	2. Retcon of the Daleks

(featuring Peter Capaldi's Doctor Who, and the crew of Red Dwarf. This chapter occurs between the two Christmas specials "The Husbands of River Song" and "The Return of Doctor Mysterio" and between Red Dwarf series VII & VIII)

Spoiler warnings: Red Dwarf episode "Tikka to Ride" and Dr Who story "Genesis of the Daleks"

The Doctor (in the first new life he'd had since Christmas Town had reset his regeneration cycle to give him 13 more lives) had just had an adventure with River Song, his long term girlfriend whose own personal timeline was somewhat out of order with his. Now the TARDIS was materializing on B deck of a large space ship named Red Dwarf. The Doctor stepped out and began exploring, until he came across a talking cat, a robot named Kryten, a man named Lister, a woman named Christine Cochanski and a holographic man named Arnold Rimmer.

"Is it really just the four of you flying this thing around with no protection at all?" asked the Doctor, "You should watch out for the Daleks."

"Never heard of them," snorted Rimmer, in as much as a hologram can be said to snort.

The Doctor began to tell of his first and regenerationed selves, and their encounters with the Daleks, and all that it had cost him: the deaths of Katarina and Sarah Kingdon (in "Daleks Master Plan"), Tegan Jovanka's decision to leave him (in "Resurrection of the Daleks"), The Time War that had driven his Ninth self to a point where he wouldn't even refer to himself as the Doctor, the temporary loss of the great love of his life Rose Tyler to a parallel universe and her subsequent decision to pair up with a sort of regenerative clone of himself, and the loss of all Donna Noble's memories of her time with him… not to mention the tenuous position it had left the Timelords in.

"They sound worse than Lister when he doesn't bother to go to the bathroom," said Rimmer.

"I tried to avert their creation once, by going back in time," said the Doctor, "I couldn't even get that right."

"So why not go back and try again?" said Christine.

"The Blinevitch Limitation Effect," said the Doctor, "My Fourth Self's already there on Skaro at the start, when Davros built them."

"But you're not… not your current self at least," said Christine.

The Doctor recalled the time he and Rose had made two attempts to visit Rose's father before his death, and all the trouble that had led to. But it wasn't the two manifestations of Rose and the Doctor that had caused the problem. It was the fact that Rose had altered time by preventing the death of her father.

"But these Timelord people of yours know how time's meant to work, from what you say," said Lister, "If they sent you to avert the Daleks' creation in the first place, then it must have been meant to happen. It sounds like time's been all wrong ever since you didn't pull that off. Maybe you're meant to go back and have another go."

The Doctor thought about the times he'd gone into earth's past, namely the late 20th Century and bought jelly babies (like in the previous chapter of this story). Hadn't he bought things which were meant to have been bought by someone else if he hadn't gone back to 1980 or other times to buy them?

"Changing time like that doesn't seem right," said the Doctor, "It can cause catastrophic side effects."

"You mean like a time war that wipes out all your people, and all the friends and others they've killed," said the Cat sarcastically.

"I have to get time travel right," said the Doctor, "How can I go back to where my earlier self is and do something that history shows he couldn't do?"

"It's like the time we got those curries," said Lister, "We went back to 1963 in the United States of America on earth, to get a curry vindaloo. We accidentally prevented Kennedy's shooting. The president lived, and time was altered. So WE went back a second time and took the living 1965 Kennedy from the alterned time with us. We put him on the hill as a second gunman and he shot his younger self in 1963 and set time right. Things were fixed BECAUSE we went back in time again and had another go."

"Everyone who follows the underground media knows that Kennedy was shot in the first place because he was the only president other than Trump who wouldn't play ball with the global criminal elite," said the Doctor, "And look at all the lies and protests the elite got the mainstream media to inaugurate against Trump, before he could even get started on the job."

"Not the point, Doctor," said Lister.

"Coming from someone who jeopardised all of history to pluck an innocent curry from its rightful place in time," said the Doctor.

"Why not at least take our curry scenario as a case study and try one more time to stop these Daleks from being made?" said Rimmer.

"We'll help you," said Kryten, "Why they give all of us robots a bad name."

"They're not robots," said the Doctor, "That's why I hesitated back then. There's a life form placed inside them."

"Well why not alter that lifeform's metabolism, so that it can't live inside a Dalek. Then those life forms will have to go on without becoming the deadly menaces you described," said Cochanski.

"Of course, that's it! And you've just given me the way to do it!" said the Doctor, recalling the events of the previous chapter of this story, which occurred within the same lifetime of his first attempt to avert the creation of the Daleks.

Certain poisons were fatal to earth rats but acted merely as a tranquiliser or sleeping drug to Androgums. Similarly, with the considerable knowledge of chemistry that the Doctor had developed in his third incarnation, he knew that curry was a harmless form of spicy food to human beings but could dramatically alter the body chemistry of the species that inhabited Dalek shells, by mere exposure to the skin.

"Good. Now you can tell us the way to do it, and we'll help you," said Lister.

And so, since the Doctor had yet to meet his next ongoing companion, and had forgotten all about Clara Oswald, he took the crew of Red Dwarf into the TARDIS to be his latest travelling companions.

"It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside," said Rimmer.

"Just like your image compared to its egg shaped projector," said Lister.

"Just like a problem when one thinks about it for too long," said Cochanski.

"Oh man, like that was way deeper than I can handle after having my sleep cut short by the arrival of this Doctor guy," said the Cat.

The TARDIS arrived in an empty room not far from the room that was incubating the life forms that would soon be converted into more Daleks. Somewhere in the building the fourth Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith and Harry Sullivan had recovered the tape recording that Davros had taken of the Doctor's accounts of past Dalek defeats. The latest Doctor's return to that period then set a small butterfly effect into motion, which basically amounted to the 4th Doctor and Sarah and Harry deciding to leave a little sooner than they had before the butterfly effect had taken place. Once again they grabbed the time ring, and headed off through time and space to the Ark in space, where they would meet the Cybermen again.

In the meantime, Davros had called his meeting to address the scientists and other leaders of the planet Skaro.

"I wish I could save those scientists," said the Doctor, "They'll be slaughtered, but even I'm not immune to a Dalek blast at point blank range. I might regenerate, but I wouldn't like to risk it after all the lives I've lost. It was only a miracle that gave me 13 more last time."

"Kryten can't be harmed by Dalek blasts," said Christine, "And Rimmer's hologram form would make an excellent distraction which they can't actually make contact with. Let them save the scientists while the rest of us pour the Red Dwarf's food synthesizer's synthetic curry onto the life forms and alter them forever."

"It'll reduce Davros to one of those life forms too," said the Doctor, "We'll save a bit to use on him later, and then he'll never be able to build more Daleks."

"I'm glad it's good for something," said Lister, "It sure doesn't taste good, or we'd never have gone back to 1963 for the real stuff. It doesn't even give me good gas."

"I'll program his computer to wipe all the Dalek data," said Cochanski.

The Doctor, the Cat and Lister headed for the incubation room, carrying a huge barrel of curry and several scooping spoons. Cochanski followed the Doctor's directions to the computer room, while Kryten and Rimmer headed for Davros's meeting. Soon they arrived just in time to hear the evil creator of the Daleks ranting insanely:

"I called this meeting to see which of you would be loyal to me and which of you would betray me!" (Exact wording had been slightly altered by the butterfly effect of the latest doctor's arrival).

"You are insane, Davros!" said one of the men.

Nida noticed the arrival of Kryten and Rimmer as they walked into the room.

"Who are you? How dare you burst in here!" said Nida.

"We've come to stop your whole operation," said Rimmer, "Or at least he has. I'm just here to prove you can't stop mine."

"Daleks, destroy the intruders," said Davros.

"Exterminate!" said the first Dalek, and fired at Rimmer.

The blast passed right through Arnold Rimmer and hit the door behind him.

"Illogical! Weapons have no tangible effect on other being."

Another Dalek fired at Kryten, but the blast which was deadly to human beings had no effect on the somewhat indestructible body of Kryten.

Recalling the Doctor's description of the Daleks, Kryten clamped a hand over the Dalek's blaster, and bent it back towards the Dalek itself, but not before the Dalek's latest stray shot hit Davros of all people, killing him instantly, this time with no chance of recovery. While the scientists and planetery leaders ran to hide behind furniture, Rimmer kept the Daleks' attention focussed on firing at himself, and let the blasts continue to pass harmlessly through his holographic form, until Kryten had either torn or bent off all of their blasters and all of their eyepieces.

Having finished their other tasks, the Doctor, Cat, Cochanski and Lister arrived in time to open the Dalek shells, remove the life forms and shower them in synthetic curry.

"We will rule ourselves peacefully now, with Nida at the bottom of the societal heirachy," said one of the scientists, "How can we ever thank you?"

"Do you have any real curry on this planet?" asked Lister, "If we start on it now, the Cat and I could have another farting contest in our bunk beds tonight… that's tonight in our own time period."

"I'll be sure to get you all back to Red Dwarf and then myself out of there long before that event starts," sighed the Doctor.

As soon as he'd left the time and place of old Skaro, the Doctor sensed his memories realigning to take on board a brand new timeline. The Daleks never existed, except for those few who'd briefly been around before they were emptied on Skaro. The Daleks Master Plan never happened. Brett Vyon, Katerina and Sarah Kingon lived on, with the latter two joining Steven, and later Dodo on several more adventures. Tegan Jovanka stayed on with the 5th Doctor for two more adventures, until she left out of jealousy of the newcomer Peri. The Time War never happened. The Timelords all survived, and were grateful to learn that both the 4th and 14th Doctors had been instrumental in preventing the Daleks from proceeding beyond the experimental stage. They promised the Doctor a free hand throughout the universe through all his regenerations. The Doctor's Ninth self (played by John Hurt in the series) now called himself the Ninth Doctor, and had several adventures with a companion named Bibi Si. (Christopher Eccleston was the Tenth Doctor. David Tennant was the 11th Doctor, and then true to the BBC stories regenerated into the 12th Doctor and kept the same face, due to "vanity issues at the time", as Matt Smith said in his last episode. Matt Smith was the 13th Doctor. The Christmas Town event still happened in the alterned time, making Peter Capaldi the 14th Doctor. No longer driven slowly towards a cruel form of madness and self loathing by his many encounters with Daleks in the previous timeline, the Doctor never took on the persona of the Valeyard and hence made no attempt to put his 6th self on trial, which made things better for his sixth self's lifetime too. One final positive butterfly effect was the fact that Peri never had her form altered, and was returned to earth at the time that her summer holidays came to an end, as she had originally planned at the end of "Planet of Fire part 4". And if I got anything wrong, I'll excuse myself on the grounds that I've just created an alternate timeline LOL).

Next time in Chapter 3: The Timelords reveal the surprising origin of James Bond 007.


	3. You only live 13 Times

(Featuring the Ninth Doctor, now John Hurt after the amended timeline explained in the last paragraph of chapter 2, his new companion Bibi Si, the Timelords, and James Bond 007. This story occurs between the Doctor Who webisode of the 8th 9th Dr regeneration and the first episode of Eccleston's new series "Rose". It also occurs between the James Bond movies "Die another Day" and "Casino Royale", and explains the timeline discrepancies between those two movies.)

The Ninth Doctor was exploring time and space with his new companion, Swedish model Bibi Si. In a timeline free of Dalek tyranny, he had found time to shave, and enjoy life more on his various stopovers. Bibi was 6 foot 3 and towered over the Doctor, but Romana's first regeneration had malfunctioned several times and taken a while to stabilize (See "Destiny of the Daleks"). As a result, one of her tryout bodies had also been, as the fourth doctor had put it "too tall." This left some unused size tall clothing in the TARDIS wardrobe which suited Bibi perfectly, and the Ninth Doctor had none of his earlier self's critical attitude to her size.

For the first time since the 6th Doctor's early experiences with Mel, he underwent an exercise program instigated by Bibi. He took her to a planet with an abundance of swimming pools, watched her dive in and effortlessly swim back and forth, before he exhausted himself matching the number of laps she did.

On the scenic forests of another planet, they took long bushwalks and hiked up hills and down mountains.

"I hope I can keep up with this," puffed the Doctor.

"With all you've told me about your need to run down corridors, you'll have to," said Bibi.

They finally made it back to the TARDIS.

"You need another swim," said Bibi.

"Fine, but not on that planet. There's still a pool inside the TARDIS if I didn't jettison it late in my fourth life." (The pool was introduced in "The Invasion of Time part 6").

He led Bibi to the pool and did his best to swim laps beside her. Suddenly they heard a noise ringing through the TARDIS.

"It's another call," said the Doctor, "I have to return to Gallifrey. The Timelords must need me."

The Doctor and Bibi dried off, and went back to the console room. The Doctor piloted the TARDIS to Gallifrey and stepped out to greet the Timelords.

"This is my new assistant Bibi Si," he said.

"Would you like us to give you one of the newer model TARDISses with a higher door?" asked the President, noticing Bibi stoop down in order to leave the TARDIS, "Or we could fix the chameleon circuit on yours once and for all, and then we'd like you to do something for us."

"Well I'd hate to carry all my things into a new TARDIS," said the Doctor, "See what you can do with the chameleon circuit."

"Our scientists will work on it while you come to a vital briefing," said the President, "Your assistant can come too, since her help on an earth based assignment will no doubt be beneficial."

When all of them were seated, the president showed them a photograph of a dark haired well dressed earth man.

"The truth is that he is not from earth. It's only just come to our notice that, like you, he fled from our planet in a TARDIS. Like you he fought a number of evil beings and defeated them, but unlike you he confined his movements and adventures to earth. Using pscyhic paper and a hypnotic talent to rival the Master's, he inserted himself into one of earth's intelligence organisations in…. well it's not known exactly when. It might have been as early as 1953 or as late as 1962 by their dating system. He's regenerated several times, and relied on extensive use of hypnotism and psychic paper again to have his change in appearance overlooked without acknowledgement of it. While you involved yourself periodically with UNIT, albeit for a fairly ongoing stay in your third incarnation to meet the conditions of our exile sentence, this Gallifreyan has remained with earth's Great Britain's MI6 organisation for several decades. We need you to bring him back from earth to be dealt with."

"That's like sending me after my first or second self. How could my heart be in that?" asked the Doctor.

"Because he has left behind one female companion after another," said the President.

"So have I, eventually," said the Doctor, "It's the one curse of regeneration. We outlive our human friends and loved ones."

"But you've had veritable seasons of adventures with each companion, and most of yours have left you by their own choice," said the President, "Except for your Granddaughter for reasons you explained, Sarah Jane Smith when we called your fourth self back and that's about it. This Gallifreyan abandons each companion after one adventure and goes looking for the next."

"I see," said the Doctor, "You can stay as long as you like, Bibi. I'd miss you otherwise anyway."

"It's worse than we've so far told you, Doctor," said the President, "Before he discards these companions, he …. I don't know how to put this delicately in front of an earth woman, neither in earth terms nor our own: This Gallifreyan …. fornicates with each companion."

"I believe 'one night stand' is the correct term for it on earth," said the Doctor.

"The concept doesn't exist on our planet, and wasn't supposed to exist on earth either. Our studies of their most ancient writings, bound together in a 66 book omnibus known as the Bible, all show that human beings weren't designed to be used that way and then discarded. Such an act should only occur within the confines of a lifelong marriage. The abandonment issues from doing it in any other context (as tempting as it may seem when initially contemplated) lead to incalculable emotional and spiritual damage. Doctor, one of our own people is on earth, and he's been passing himself off as one of them, and doing this damage to one girl every year or two for more than four of their decades. We're despatching Maxell with a team of his in a TARDIS to meet these companions at the points in history when they were cast off, and give them what hypnotic healing treatment we can, to help them forget what he's done and then move on and live healthy lives in their proper time and place. But we have to stop him from doing it anymore, Doctor."

"How many times has he regenerated?" asked the Doctor.

"By earth dates, he did it once in 1968, again in 1970 when he reverted to his first form for his third life, again in 1972, again in 1986, again in 1993 to the form he holds now. So he's on his 6th life now."

"What Gallifreyan weapons technology can I expect to encounter when I face him?" asked the Doctor.

"None, as far as we know. He wanted to blend in on earth and make use of their own equipment. A man they call Q designs the most advanced earth technology for him, including a car that simulates invisibility, but other than that, it's just guns with bullets. If he gets shot or killed some other way himself, he knows he can regenerate, until he reaches his 13th life of course. For some reason we haven't been able to ascertain from our studies through the time scope, he has not once fornicated with the earth woman who loves him the most, named Miss Moneypenny. Her emotional damage from watching all of his erotic escapades has probably been the worst of all, ironically," said the President.

"Well at least I don't have to face the Master's muscle tissue compression gun, or the bombs the Rani used to turn people into trees," said the Doctor, "But why not bring him back yourself? You did it to me once, TARDIS and all. Where is his TARDIS, by the way?"

"He disguised it as a large wardrobe in his apartment, locked it with the key and never goes into it. We found you because you called for our help near the end of your second life. He doesn't want to be found or helped. Besides that, you have years of familiarity with earth intelligence organisations. Your status as UNIT scientific advisor is still active any time you return to earth and contact them. It's on their database that you change your appearance and assist them when requested. Now they can assist you to get into MI6 and capture the man known on earth as James Bond 007."

"You do realise that you've just blown a secret agent's cover to a Swedish model," said the Doctor.

"UNIT has always allowed you to share the knowledge of your cases with your companions," said the President, "We will assume their willingness to do so with Miss Si. We want you to go to 2003, confide in the current Brigadier head of UNIT, and have them track James Bond's movements until such time as you can intercept him and bring him back to Gallifrey in your TARDIS, not his own. Once we have his key, we'll send Maxell back on one more job to retrieve Bond's TARDIS, and Andred can go with him and bring Maxell's TARDIS back too."

"Andred!" said the Doctor, "Could I see him once that's done?"

"We have not forgotten your erstwhile association with his Severteem wife Leela," said the President, "You may catch up with them as soon as you've brought Bond back and Maxell and Andred have recovered Bond's TARDIS."

The Doctor and Bibi Si materialized right inside UNIT headquarters in 2003. This of course did not go unnoticed by UNIT internal security cameras, and Brigadier Bambera (head of UNIT since the late 1980s and soon to retire) came down and introduced herself to the Doctor's latest self.

"Good to see you again, Bambera," said the Doctor, "I've had two facelifts since then. This is my assistant and health consultant Bibi Si."

"We didn't send for you, Doctor. We don't have any current cases open," said Bambera.

"Actually I need your help, Brigadier, or specifically, I need UNIT's. One of my own people has infiltrated the British Secret Service MI6 organization since 1962. His reprehensible misconduct with countless earth ladies must be stopped. I need your help to track his movements, so that my people can take him into custody without upsetting your country's intelligence network."

"If what you say is true, and you succeed, they'll probably list him as missing and presumed dead," said Bambera.

"Gallifreyan computers have printed this photograph from their time scope," said the Doctor, "This is his current appearance. He has changed it several times, using hypnotism and Gallifreyan technology to cover his tracks."

"Wouldn't it be wiser if I liased with M and brought her into the picture?" said Bambera.

"My dear Brigadier, I had to confide in your predecessor Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart in 1970, because I'd just been stranded on your planet when my TARDIS was immobilized by my own people for a time. I formed a valuable friendship and alliance with UNIT, and you've wisely kept the secret of my existence from earth's other intelligence organisations. I don't think it prudent to spread that knowledge to another of them now."

"Alright Doctor. You helped us a lot against Mordred and his mother in 1989. We were way out of our depth. We'll play this your way and give you all the help we can. We'll have Bond shadowed the moment he leaves MI6 headquarters on his next assignment."

"I think I can help with that," said the Doctor, "all I need is to run a cord from the TARDIS console to one of your computers that's connected to the internet. Then I can hack into MI6's computers using Gallifreyan Coldplough software."

"What's Coldplough?"

"A trojan software program, specifically designed to carve an undetectable path through any firewall or encryption," said the Doctor.

Soon he had news of Bond's next assignment: a routine surveillance job in Germany. Bond was to set up camp in the hills and monitor a castle owned by a man rumoured to be a neo nazi. Once Bond had been removed from earth by the Doctor, UNIT would assign their own operatives to monitor the castle until MI6 logged Bond's disappearance and sent in a replacement 00.

With an accuracy not prevalent in his first few incarnations, the Doctor pilotted the TARDIS to a perfect landing only half a mile up the hill from Bond's tent. Dressed as two hikers (parts that they had both learned to play very convincingly during Bibi's health program), the Doctor and Bibi Si began walking down the hill, and then got into part, arguing audibly about being lost.

Bond naturally heard them and came out of his tent and offered to give them directions. When he saw Bibi, scantily clad to appeal to his eye even more than Honeychile Rider, Tiffany Case or Domino Petachi, Bond felt naturally inclined to be as helpful as possible.

If Bond and the Doctor had ever known eachother before their first selves had left Gallifrey, neither of them would recognise eachother now, unless the Doctor announced that he was not an earthman but a Gallifreyan. Timelords could recognise eachother after subsequent regenerations, but only if they were consciously trying to, as the 3rd Doctor had once recognised a later version of the Master than the one he knew best, while plucked out of time and space on Gallifrey. (See "The Five Doctors.")

"… that's the quickest and most scenic way to get there, Mrs…"

"I'm not married," said Bibi, "We're just friends. I'm actually more of a health and exercise consultant to him."

As casual conversation continued, the Doctor soon found himself standing in close quarters with James Bond.

"Hai!" he called, suddenly using his Venusian Karate to put Bond down on the ground, while quickly relieving him of his gun and a concealed knife.

The Doctor had learned his Venusian Karate shortly before the beginning of his third life, and used it extensively until part of the way through his fourth. He still occasionally used it, in his fifth and sixth lives, but largely avoided it. Since Bond had never had the chance to visit Venus, he was at a disadvantage.

"So which up and coming Nazi has you on their payroll in there?" said Bond, "I've had my eye on that castle for days now."

"And our own people have had their eyes on you for over 40 years from your perspective," said the Doctor, "Although for them it's only been a few weeks on the timescope."

"The timescope? You're from Gallifrey?" said Bond.

"Yes," said the Doctor, "But without your unhealthy and hurtful inclinations towards this planet's female population."

"Oh turn it off," said Bond, "Is Borusa still such a prude in his latest regeneration?"

"Actually he's indisposed," said the Doctor, with a chilling recollection of how Borusa had fallen into Rassilon's immortality trap.

One day he would have to do something about that. The greatest of the timelords was still not God. One day the Doctor would amass enough knowledge, or enough allies and technology to undo the effects of that trap and set its captives free, albeit under serious supervision by the timelords.

"Well whoever sent you after me needs to get a life," said Bond.

"Actually your female cast-offs are even now, at several points in the last 42 years, being helped to rebuild theirs," said the Doctor, "And like it or not, you're coming back with me in my TARDIS to Gallifrey for rehabilitation."

The Doctor rolled Bond over and bound his hands, and removed his watch, so that its circular carving function could not be used to cut him free. They walked him back up the hill to the TARDIS and delivered him to Gallifrey.

Maxell and Andred had recovered Bond's TARDIS from his apartment.

Now, using a more positive application of Gallifreyan hypnosis, Bond was wiped of the last 42 years of his memories, and then cured of his obcessive lusts for fornication with earth females. After that, and Bond's latest regeneration, and an adjust ment to the Doctor's TARDIS which the Doctor had once accidentally made with the help of Liz Shaw during his 3rd incarnation, the Doctor took the rehabilitated James Bond to a parallel earth, not the one he'd visited in 1970, but another of many. There Bond was allowed to use his psychic paper and hypnosis to join that earth's MI6. It had the same M as the one on the earth he'd recently left, but for this M, Bond was not yet a 00. She soonafter promoted him and he went on to take on many assignments for them. However, this time, he did not fornicate with a string of ladies, merely got on with his assignments and waited for the time when he might form a lasting relationship with the right one. This was somewhat set back by the betrayals of Vesper Lynd and the activities of Spectre and a madman named Blofeld who had delusions about some pre-existing connection between himself and Bond. What would happen with Bond next was another story yet to be told.

In the meantime, the Doctor visited Andred and Leela and the first K9, who was now as loyal to Andred as he had once been willing to stun Andred at the Doctor's command all those years ago.

In Jamaica, a woman born in 1963 was now 40 in 2003. She might well live to be a lot older than 103, although with a few makeovers along the way. Being born out wedlock was not her own doing. Neither she nor her elderly mother had any idea of her duel heritage. Her name was Jean, and she was the daughter of James Bond and Honeychile Rider.


	4. Collision Course for Gallifrey

(featuring the 3rd Doctor, Liz Shaw, Sarah Jane Smith, and the characters from Space 1999 Season 2. This chapter is set between the Doctor Who stories "Invasion of the Dinosaurs" & "Death to the Daleks" and set shortly after Space 1999 Season 2)

Mike Yates had been discharged from UNIT. The Brigadier was busy following up all of the loose ends. Sergeant Benton was UNIT's acting commanding officer for the next few weeks. The 3rd Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith were discussing where they might travel to next in the TARDIS, when in walked the 3rd Doctor's first UNIT assistant Liz Shaw.

"Liz, what a pleasant surprise," said the Doctor, "This is Sarah Jane Smith, a journalist with special UNIT priveleges. Liz Shaw and I were both somewhat commandeered by Lethbridge Stewart four years ago. Back then the TARDIS didn't work. So Liz managed a successful escape from the military mind, while I remained stranded."

"The Brigadier told me you'd gotten it going," said Liz.

"I'm surprised he had the time," said the Doctor, "It was really the Timelords who fixed the TARDIS after I helped them on a matter. They sent me a brand new dematerialization circuit."

"I think the Brigadier hoped to get me back now that my replacement's married her way out of UNIT," said Liz.

"And has he?" asked the Doctor.

"Not at all, but I never did get to see how it worked."

"We're about to take the TARDIS on a jaunt now, if you'd like to join us," said the Doctor.

Liz and Sarah Jane followed him into the TARDIS, and the central console column began to move up and down, as the nonesuch police box vanished from UNIT headquarters and into the timestream.

After they had been travelling for a while, they materialized in deep space.

"We're relatively close to Gallifrey, my home planet, although weeks away by spaceship," said the Doctor, "Since I'm now persona grata with my own people, I thought you two might like to pay them a visit."

"Doctor!" said Sarah, staring at the scanner, "What's that?"

"It looks like a moon, but it's moving through space," said the Doctor.

"Not just A moon, but I've studied photos of those craters taken a few years ago. It's EARTH'S moon, "And to the left there seems to be a base on it."

"How in blazes can it be out here?" the Doctor asked himself quietly, "Hang on. I'll try for a landing."

On Moonbase Alpha, in main mission, Sandra Benes was studying the monitor.

"Object on long range scanner, Commander," said Sandra.

"Magnify," said Commander Koenig.

Sandra adjusted the monitor and zoomed in on the small craft.

"John, it's a London Police box," said security chief Tony Verdeschi, "I didn't think there were any of them still in use even back on earth in 1999 when we left."

"How on earth can it exist way out here?" asked Doctor Helena Russell, "We've been through a Black Sun, several space warps and far into our own future.

"It's vanishing," said Tony.

"Could it be group hypnosis, Doctor?" asked Koenig.

Before she could answer, the TARDIS materialized in the middle of main mission on Moonbase Alpha.

"How can a police box teleport?" asked Alan Carter.

"Or another question might be: Why would aliens invent teleportation craft and then disguise it as a 1960s London police box?" said Koenig.

The TARDIS doors opened, and the Doctor stepped out, followed by his two travelling companions.

"Hello. Sorry to drop in like this, but I'm the Doctor, and these young ladies are Sarah Jane Smith and Professor Elizabeth Shaw."

"Are you from earth?" asked Koenig.

"They are. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Casterberus. I regret to inform you that we're in that constellation now, and that my calculations and observations show that your moon is on a collision course with Gallifrey."

"Not again," said Alan.

"We can't control the moon's trajectory," said Koenig, "An atomic exposion caused by radioactive nuclear waste dumps in 1999 has blasted the moon out of earth's orbit. We've prevented other collisions with well placed explosive devices and on one occasion a miracle with a planet that turned intangible and vanished. This time we don't have a trick left up our sleeves."

"Well thankfully I have one up mine," said the Doctor, "Although my TARDIS resembles a police box from your planet, it is actually a craft which can dematerialize and travel through time and space. I believe that we could drastically modify much of the equipment on this moon base and convert it into a huge dematerialization machine. What I'm proposing would be good for one journey at the most, after which all of your equipment would be burnt out. However, that one journey could be calculated to take the moon back to its rightful earth orbit in 1999 only weeks after this moon's earlier self had passed out of the way."

"Is that really possible?" asked Alan.

"You've seen my ship do it," said the Doctor.

'It would be as though we'd never left, except for our having aged over two years and picked up Maya along the way," said Tony.

"And lost several Alphans to evil alien opponents," thought Koenig.

"Liz is a scientist. I'll need the help of your technicians as well," said the Doctor, "It's the only way to save both my planet and your moon."

"Agreed," said Koenig, "Maya is our current science officer. She comes from the destroyed planet Psychon. She can out think any computer, and also has the power of molecular transformation."

"How does that work?" asked Sarah.

"Why don't you show them, Maya?" said Tony.

Maya blinked her eyes and took on the exact appearance of Liz Shaw, right down to the clothes she was wearing.

"You'd sure make a great undercover agent on earth with that trick," said Sarah, "If UNIT still exists in 1999."

"I'm sure it would," said the Doctor, "Now we must get to work."

As work proceeded, the Doctor and Maya were amazed by each other's scientific minds, and conversed on a level which left even Liz Shaw confused.

While the scientists and technicians were at work, the staff of Main Mission were not without their own problems. A Cyber battle ship landed on the moon's surface, resisted all attacks from the base's retractable lasers, and disgorged five Cybermen. The metallic warriors forced open an airlock, stormed into the base and began to attack security officers who approached them.

As their lasers failed to have an effect while set on stun, they adjusted them to the kill setting on Tony's orders and were able to induce a certain amount of weakness and staggering in the Cybermen. However, the invaders soon shrugged off this effect and marched towards Main Mission undeterred.

Having heard Koenig's red alert announcements sounding throughout the base, the Doctor asked Koenig to send a picture of the invaders to the comm lock that he'd been given the day he arrived.

"They're Cybermen," said the Doctor, "Their main weakness is gold. It corrodes their bodies and causes death within moments."

"We have no gold on Alpha," said Koenig.

"Commander," said Maya, standing beside the Doctor, "There is an animal with the basic body shape and agility and strenght of a tiger, but with gold claws and gold body armour like that of a turtle. I could become one and attack the Cybermen."

"Thanks Maya. Once again we owe you a lot," said Koenig, "They're almost at Main Mission now."

"I'll catch up in a travel tube," said Maya, and ran to the nearest entrance point.

Koenig ordered all doors to Main Mission closed and sealed. It would slow the Cybermen down, but not for long.

Just as they burst into Main Mission, Maya came bounding down the corridor, already in the form of the Golden Tiger Turtle. She lept at the first Cyberman.

"Security, all lasers on kill. Keep the other Cybermen busy!" said Koenig, and began firing his own at the other four as well.

Maya dug her claw into the Cyberman's chest and scratched furiously.

A loud metallic moan of pain erupted from the Cyberman's face plate, and the invader went down for the final count. Another Cyberman fired its glittering weapon at Maya, but the gun had no effect on her Tiger Turtle body armour. She lunged for him next, and dug her claws in hard.

Alan Carter managed to get a shot right into the third Cyberman's eye sockets, and blinded it permanently until Maya could finish the job. Soon all five of them were dead, and Maya returned to help the Doctor finish the conversion of Moonbase Alpha to a gigantic temporary TARDIS.

When it was ready to go, the Doctor threw the master switch, and the travelling moon simply vanished from time and space, to reappear in earth orbit, which stabilized and would continue for all time.

"We can't keep our story secret from earth authorities," said Koenig, "We'll have to tell them about the fate of Commissioner Simmonds and the others we lost, the time travel, the encounters with alien races, and most of all the danger that the nuclear waste disposal project represents. It must never happen again. The only thing we will conceal is Maya's alien heritage and powers, so that she and Tony can live peaceful private lives on earth. We have much to thank the Doctor and Liz Shaw and Sarah Jane Smith for as well."

But the Doctor and the other two had snuck away, examined the fused circuits and melted consoles of Alpha's equipment, and confirmed that their handiwork could never be reverse engineered or reconstructed, not even with Maya's recollections of the less informative tasks the Doctor had given her. After that they had boarded the TARDIS and returned to UNIT headquarters, 1974."

"Ah Doctor," said the Brigadier, "Off on another of your jaunts, were you?"

"Let me tell you something, Lethbridge Stewart," said the Doctor, "You should consider how much of your military weaponery leads to military waste… radiactive waste. It'll be a miracle if your people don't succeed in blasting yourselves out of existence. I'm off for a drive in Bessie."

The Doctor headed out to his vintage car, leaving the two ladies staring sympathetically at the Brigadier.

"I wonder what brought that on this time," said Lethbridge Stewart.

"It's what comes of having him fly me to the moon," said Sarah Jane.

The abandonned moonbase would later be retooled and reused, but never again as an atomic waste disposal unit. Some time after 1999, it would once again be attacked by Cybermen and rescued from that threat by the second Doctor and his companions.


	5. Kept in the Loop

(featuring the 13th Doctor ie Matt Smith after chapter 2's new timeline was created, River Song, and Holly Turner and Jeff Slade from "Crime Traveller". This chapter is set after the Crime Traveller final episode and between the Doctor Who episodes "The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe" and "Asylum of the Daleks". Spoiler Warnings: Doctor Who stories "The Time Monster" and "Meglos" and Crime Traveller episode "The Broken Crystal.")

The 13th Doctor and River Song were enjoying one of the rare moments when their counter-directional personal timelines intersected. In other words, they were in the same place at the same time. The Doctor had left his semi-regular companions, a fairly recently married young couple named Amy Pond and her husband Rory to enjoy the pleasures and challenges of home making, while he went on a date with River Song. River was actually Rory's and Amy's daughter in adult form, having aged decades and time travelled back from the future. It made for quite a dynamic with the in-laws, particularly when Amy had once decided to plant a kiss on the Doctor back when she was still engaged. How the Doctor hoped she would never share that little detail with either the infant River or the adult River.

The Doctor and River took the TARDIS back to the late 1990s, in an alley in one of London's more suburban living areas. They locked the ship and stepped out to walk through the streets.

As they passed an apartment block, the Doctor felt a strange sensation.

"Are you alright, Doctor?" asked River.

"I don't know," said the Doctor, "It's like two people brushing against me over and over again."

"But there's nobody around except us," said River.

"I know. You can't see them, and yet I have the unique ability to sense they're around. It's similar in some ways and different in others, to the time I had to pull several UNIT men out of some kind of time stasis field back in 1972. That was in my 3rd life."

"But Doctor, if there were people here, caught in a static time field, we'd still be able to see them, even if they couldn't move nor see us."

"I said it was different in other ways…. I've got it. The people are here, caught in a chronic historesis. They must reliving a time loop of the same limited scope over and over again. Every time they get to the stage where they must have walked past this spot, they brush against me, because a timelord can sense it. And since I wasn't caught in the loop when it started, I should also be able to enter it and pull them out. Don't be shocked, when I seem to disappear. Just wait."

From River's perspective, the Doctor seemed to vanish alright. To the Doctor, he was now in the same place, but was able to see two people.

"I'm the Doctor, and you're stuck in a time loop," said the Doctor.

"Oh no. That means we don't get back to the machine in time," said Holly, "I told you this would happen one day, Slade. I'm Holly Turner, police scientist for the London CIB, and this is Detective Jeff Slade.s"

"I can get you out. I'm a Timelord," said the Doctor, "Each of you stand on one side of me."

The Doctor put one hand around Holly's forearm and the other around Jeff Slade's forearm, and then walked with them for a few paces. Soon they found that they were back in normal time, standing just near River Song.

"Never again, Slade. I don't know what a timelord is, or how you did that, Sir, but thank you. This is the last time we ever use the time machine, Slade," said Holly.

"What do you use it for?" asked the Doctor.

"Going back in time and solving cases Jeff couldn't be bothered to detect out on his own," said Holly, "My father built it, got caught in the loop of infinity and never returned."

"When?" said the Doctor, "Can you give me exact time and date?"

"I'll never forget that date," said Holly, "But we can't get back there, even to use your trick to pull him out. My time machine won't go back that far."

"But mine will," said the Doctor, "Its time and space capacities are unlimited. However, first I think we should fix yours. The loop of infinity's actually just a form of chronic historesis. A timelady I used to travel with and I were able to get out of one, because we could sense a brief respite at the end of each cycle of the loop, and we used that to plan to throw the loop out of phase and break it. Your machine just needs a little timey wimey jiggery pokery, as two of my earlier selves used to say."

Holly and Jeff led the Doctor and River upstairs to the machine, and the Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver, and rewired it with the risk of the Loop of Infinity flaw removed.

"From now on, if you don't get back to the machine within the time period you're reliving, you'll just be automatically drawn back into normal time regardless. I've improved the fuel consumption too. That crystal should last you for centuries," said the Doctor, "Now let's go and get my TARDIS moving back to the time when you lost your father."

The Doctor led them back to the alleyway, but the TARDIS was gone.

"What did it look like?" asked Jeff.

"Thanks to a faulty chameleon circuit, it was stuck in the guise of a 1960s London police telephone box, all blue, with a light on the top," said the Doctor.

"It must have been hauled away under some parking regulation or rubbish dumping law," said Slade.

"We can use our machine to go back and see what happened," said Holly, "As long as it gives us enough time."

"Say Doctor," said Jeff, and told him about the more advanced time machine built by Holly's ex boyfriend, "Do you think you could build the same features into ours, so that we can control how far back we go?"

"I'd best leave that one up to you," said the Doctor, "If you figure it out for yourselves, and don't misuse time travel, "I'll leave you to it. But help me get my TARDIS back, and I'll be able to help get Holly's father back."

Holly put clock watches on her wrist, Slade's and River's.

"I don't need one," said the Doctor, "Even if the Loop of Infinity were still an issue, I could probably get out without help."

Holly activated the machine, wondering what random arbitrary amount of time it would take them back on this occasion. They arrived four hours into the past.

"That's shortly after River and I left the TARDIS," said the Doctor.

"So we won't run into your earlier selves," said Holly, "The machine seems to have its own way of honouring the laws of time."

"Most likely possible," said the Doctor, "Let's head for the alley and see what happens to the TARDIS."

Using Slade's car, which he could still operate in the past, they arrived in time to see the TARDIS loaded aboard a local council towtruck and taken away.

"I'll badge them and make them put it back for you, Doctor," said Slade, "It is a police box after all."

"You're forgetting, Slade, yet again," said Holly, "It HAS been taken away. This is the past. We can't change that. We can only find out where they take it, and then go back to the machine and recover the police box in the present."

"Of course. I'm on it," said Slade, and drove after the tow truck.

"I don't believe it," said River, "They've taken your TARDIS to a rubbish tip."

"It's the late 1990s," said the Doctor, "An obsolete police box is nothing but rubbish to them."

"They probably thought some university kids left it in the alley as a prank," said Slade.

"Alright. We know where to find it. Let's get back into our proper time zone," said Holly.

"Say our past selves would still be in the loop, wouldn't they?"

"And soon to be freed by the Doctor," said Holly, "They'll be on foot. We'd do well to use this car to beat them back to the machine. We weren't there when they arrived."

Soon, back in present time, they again drove to the rubbish tip, parked outside, talked until nightfall and then snuck in with the Doctor's TARDIS key. They got inside and time travelled back to the point in history when Holly's father had used the machine to time travel back, and not made it back to the machine in time.

"I can sense him," said the Doctor, and seemed to vanish from sight.

In a few minutes, he returned, holding Holly's father.

"Dad!" said Holly, "The Doctor did it. He got you out."

She threw her arms around him and explained what had happened.

"You look older," said Mr Turner.

"We're from the future," said Holly, "History notes you as missing all those years. You'll have to pick up in my time and explain your absence, even though it means you'll still be as young as you were when you got stuck in the loop. And Dad, the Doctor's fixed the machine so we can't be caught in the loop ever again!"

The Doctor took them all back to the late 1990s, only minutes after they had left, and said farewell. Holly, her father and Jeff Slade were now free to use the machine to solve all the cases they wanted as well as go on many purely scientific journeys into the past.

"I wonder if we should have asked him to save…"

"Holly, he used the machine to alibi himself for murder, and tried to kill both of us," said Jeff, no more willing than Holly to refer to the world's first criminal time traveller by name, "And it's not as if he's suffering. His memory resets, unlike the doctor's and his timelady friend's. For all he knows, he's living the loop for the first time each time he does it. It's really a far more humane prison than a jail cell." (See "The Broken Crystal").

"Let looping dogs lie then," said Holly.

"Imagine what we could do with the Doctor's blue box."

"HE wouldn't let you cheat either," said Holly.

"Doctor," said River, "The first time you saw me will be the last time I see you. Are you able to tell me what makes it the last time."

Almost dead by all means, and yet preserved in a virtual reality by the previous Doctor self, thought the Doctor. He couldn't tell her that. Besides, it remained his secret long term goal to find a way to restore her to a human form, and not all of the timelords united would ever sway him from that purpose.


	6. Trials of a Time Tunnel

(featuring the 5th Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and Kamelion; and the characters from "Time Tunnel"; set between the Doctor Who stories "Frontios" and "Planet of Fire", since chapter 2 of this story has retconned the events of "Resurrection of the Daleks" out of history. Also set after the Time Tunnel episode "Town of Terror". Spoiler Warnings: Doctor Who story "The Pirate Planet".)

At Tick Tock headquarters, affectionately known as time central, Woody had just supervised another switch in time for Tony Newman and Doug Phillips.

"Do we have an exact date fix?" asked Woody.

"12th of February, 1978, and location Sydney Australia," said Ann MacGregor.

"It's in the future. That means we can't do the usual search of the computers for key events around that time," said the general.

"We don't need to," said Jiggs, "Just look at the screen, Sir!"

Unknown to the people in 1978, viewed only by the Tick Tock staff, a man was planting a bomb just outside the hotel. They zoomed in to see that it was timed to go off early the next morning.

"They've arrived the night before an early morning bomb will be exploded outside that hotel. Tony and Doug are in the lobby and probably hoping to book a room and be switched out of there by us before they have to pay the bill," said Ann, "To us this is the future. It hasn't happened yet. Can't we get a warning to Tony and Doug and get them to warn the authorities and clear the hotel?"

"Try for voice communication with them. Get them back on screen and wait until they're out of anyone else's earshot," said the General.

Suddenly the screen went fuzzy, and the picture disappeared. Then the computers began to spark and pop and break, all at once.

The next thing they knew, they saw a blue British police telephone box appearing in their control room.

"That thing, wherever it came from, must be sabotaging the Time Tunnel. Blast it, Jiggs!" said the General.

Jiggs opened fire. Then a voice came from the box.

"General, I can assure you my craft is indestructible. I however, am not, at least not without a cost. I have no harmful intentions. If you guarantee not to shoot, I will come out with three of my friends and assist you in any way I can. Among other things, I am a scientist."

"Alright," said the General, "I order my men not to shoot, but they will keep their rifles trained on you. If you try anything suspicious, they'll go into action."

"Tegan and Turlough stay in the TARDIS until I get their trust," said the Doctor, "Kamelion is bullet proof, and at worst I can regenerate another 8 times. Let's go, Kamelion. You'd better make yourself look like Turlough until they're ready to face an alien robot with disguise powers."

They stepped out and asked the General what they could do to help.

"All I know is that the moment you arrived, our systems went crazy."

"What do your systems do?" asked the Doctor.

The General explained the project of attempting to recover Tony and Doug to their own time.

"Ah, two different methods of time and space travel in use in roughly the same place at the same time," said the Doctor, recalling what had happened when his fourth self and Romana 1 had attempted to materialize the TARDIS in the same time and place as The Pirate Planet, "I'm afraid my TARDIS has shorted out your Time Tunnel completely, but I can use it to bring your men back here. I have more control of it than you had over the Time Tunnel."

"Since when?" asked Tegan, emerging from the TARDIS with Turlough.

Kamelion promptly reverted to his usual appearance.

"I thought I told you two to stay inside," said the Doctor.

"Until you gained their trust," said Turlough with his infamously enigmatic smile.

The Doctor went on to explain Kamelion's power, and those of the TARDIS.

"Well if this box of yours can do what you say it can, you'd better take Ann with you," said the General, "I doubt that Tony and Doug will step willingly into an out of place police telephone box unless a familiar member of our staff vouches for you."

"I'll have to stay in the TARDIS and watch things on the scanner," said Tegan, "I met you in 1981, Doctor. My younger self was in Sydney, at an all night party in the building just over the road from the Hilton Hotel the night/morning of the bombing."

"So you're all from the future. You'd better find a way to warn the authorities about that bomb too," said the General.

"That's the one thing we can't do, General. To us, the Sydney Hilton bombing is a matter of history and can't be changed," said the Doctor.

"Come on, man!" said the General, "It hasn't happened yet."

"Not from your perspective, but you're also a part of the past," said the Doctor.

"He's right, General," said Ann, "Think of all the historical times and places we've sent Tony and Doug. We've carefully had to make sure that Pearl Harbour's events weren't altered, even at the cost of many people that Tony knew when he was a boy. We've always preserved history's natural course. That's what the Doctor's doing now with respect to 1978."

"Alright. Just get Tony and Doug back then," said the General, "We'll have to take your word for it. We can't even follow you on the screen anymore."

The Doctor and his companions took the TARDIS to 12th February 1978 with uncharacteristic accuracy, arriving in the open concrete square between the road and the building where the 1978 Tegan Jovanka was partying.

"Tegan, stay and watch on the scanner. Everyone else come with me," said the Doctor.

"Can't we move the bomb?" asked Turlough.

"You heard what I said," said the Doctor, "It's a fixed event in history."

(Little did he know how much his 14th self would play / had played with one of those in chapter 2.)

As the others entered the Hilton Hotel's ground floor lobby, Turlough spoke up.

"I think I might go back and keep Tegan company," said Turlough.

"Alright, but don't go near that bomb. Don't even look at it and alert anyone from 1978 to its presence," said the Doctor.

"I give you my word, I'll only go to join Tegan," said Turlough.

And Turlough kept his word by gatecrashing the party where the Tegan of 1978 was in attendance.

He was still a teenaged boy. Tegan was years into her adult life, but 3 years less in this time, and this Tegan hadn't met him yet. (See Mawdryn Undead).

"Do you have an invitation?" asked the person who answered the door.

"Not exactly," said Turlough.

"Never mind. The more the merrier. Get him some punch," said the host.

Turlough wasted little time in introducing himself to Tegan 1978.

"I suppose I'm a gatecrasher," he said.

"The gate's been opened. I saw," said Tegan.

"Would you like to dance?" asked Turlough.

Inside the hotel lobby, Kamelion ducked around a corner, disguised himself as a bellboy they'd seen departing earlier, and then secured them all with permission to visit Tony and Doug upstairs. Once inside their room, they let Ann do the talking.

"The Time Tunnel's completely broken down," said Ann, "This is another time traveller who befriended us and brought us to 1978 in his own machine. There's a bomb set to go off outside in a few hours and we can't change future history by telling anyone, if that makes any sense. We just have to get into this man's ship and head back to 1968."

Turlough kissed Tegan on the cheek, and then leaned in to kiss her mouth as well.

"Why do you keep glancing out the window?" asked Tegan.

"My transport's leaving soon," he said, "I wish I could stay all night, but if I don't go with them, I'll be in real trouble."

Then he saw the light go off in Tony's and Doug's room across the street.

"I'm sorry, I really have to go," said Turlough, "But in a sense, I'm absolutely sure we'll meet again."

He left the party, ran down the stairs, not even waiting for an elevator, ran back to the TARDIS and barely got in before the Doctor and the others came into view on the scanner, approaching from a distance. They all boarded the TARDIS and returned the Tick Tock staff, Tony and Doug included at last, to 1968. The Doctor and Kamelion went out to speak to the General again.

Tegan glared at Turlough.

"You were watching on the scanner," he said.

"I couldn't resist looking at my younger self," she said, "Obviously neither could you, to ingratiate yourself into her life before she learned what you were like…"

"Well you as you are now… you've never trusted me since the Black Guardian had control of me," said Turlough. It can't have been easy finding a boy attractive, but not being able to tell him."

"What makes you think I find you…? Oh yes, because she did."

Turlough put his hand on her face and kissed her again, the Tegan of his own present this time.

"Well he is cute, like the pig in Charlotte's Web," she thought, "At least the Doctor might notice me that way and stop thinking about the next alien invasion, if I used Turlough to make him jealous."

For the next few adventures, they romanced each other, and both found the experience pleasant enough. However, as chapter 2 indicated, things went the other way around for Tegan as soon as Peri arrived, dressed in nothing but a bikini at first, and made Tegan jealous instead of the Doctor. Realising that his feelings had only been reciprocated on a physical level, Turlough had a very simple choice to make when he learned that his own people had ended his sentence. (See "Planet of Fire"). He left the Doctor with Peri and Tegan, and Tegan soon decided to return to earth permanently shortly before the Doctor regenerated again on Adrozani.


	7. The Doctor & the Fiction Makers

(featuring the First Doctor, Ian, Barbara, Susan Foreman; and Simon Templar the Saint; set between "An Unearthly Child" and "The Daleks")

The Doctor and Susan were in another room of the TARDIS, having some private conversation of their own. Ian Chesterton was upset and impatient with being stuck in a time machine, living in a manner far removed from his regular teaching position at Coal Hill School.

"I don't think the Doctor wants to return us to our rightful time and place," said Ian, "We know his secrets, and he may never want those secrets to get out. I'm going to try operating this machine myself."

"That's too dangerous," said Barbara, "Sometimes I think even the Doctor himself can't control it. What can we do?"

"What about this knob?" asked Ian, "He never touches it. Could it be because this one is set for earth?"

Ian tried to push the knob in, but nothing happened. There was no room to slide it in any direction. So Ian did the only thing left. He pulled it, and the knob came right out of the console. The TARDIS began to shake and grind, and then there was no sound at all.

"Young man, what do you think you're doing?" said the Doctor, entering the console room, and seeing the knob in Ian's hand, "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"What I've done is make more effort than you have to return us to the 1960s on earth," said Ian.

"Well that may never happen now," said the Doctor, "You don't even exist anymore, as far as earth is concerned, as far as anyone is concerned. None of us do. There's a reason that I never touch that knob. Removing it takes the TARDIS and everyone inside it out of the dimension of reality and into the land of fiction. You and I have just become fictional characters."

"I don't believe you," said Ian, copying the way he'd observed the Doctor operating the scanner.

The screen revealed a 1960s London scene, with two men and two uniformed policemen talking just near Tower Bridge.

"I was right!" said Ian, "London 1960s! Just look at the cars in the background and the way those men with the police are dressed. This is our time and place, or at least as close to it as we'll get. Let's go, Barbara."

Ian took her by the hand, opened the TARDIS doors and stepped out.

The four men already there had their backs to them and didn't see the TARDIS.

There was nothing the Doctor could do but follow them out with Susan.

They could hear one of the men talking to the other.

"I'm warning you, Templar. If you try any of your illicit activity, I won't stop until I catch you in the act, prove it to a court of law and lock you away for the rest of your natural life."

"He must be a plainclothes officer," whispered Barbara to Ian.

"You have my word, Claud," said Simon Templar, "If I try any of my illicit activity, I promise not to do it in your line of sight. I'd hate to create more word for the devoted guardian of red tape Chief Inspector Claud Eustace Teal."

"I mean it, Saint. You've been warned," said Teal, turning to go, "Come on men."

"Sir, where did that police box come from?" asked Officer #1, "It wasn't there when we first spotted Templar."

"What do you mean it wasn't there?" asked Teal.

"Well noted for the eyes you're going to be keeping on me," said the Saint.

"I'd have seen it too, if it had been there, Sir," said Officer #2.

"Are you trying to tell me that a police box has just turned up out of nowhere?" said Teal, "I wasn't notified of any new ones going out. I'll ring Scotland Yard and see if they know anything about a new one being set up near Tower Bridge."

"Don't worry, Susan," said the Doctor, "For one thing this is not real, and for another, the TARDIS may be stuck in the shape of a London police box, but the telephone produced by the chameleon circuit will not work. The police will think the line is dead."

"If it helps, Claud, I have a photographic memory. That police box definetely wasn't there before," said the Saint.

"When I want your help I'll ask for it," said Teal, and tried in vain to use the TARDIS phone prop.

Ian and Barbara were observing the drama, both wondering if it would give them any clues as to what year and month they had arrived in. Neither one could think of a way to ask for those facts from a policeman without raising suspicion.

"Susan, did you lock the door?"

"As always, Grandfather," whispered Susan in return.

Teal gave up using the phone and asked one of his men to try his police box key in the lock.

"That's funny, Sir. It won't turn the lock."

"Well don't worry about it now. I'll get you a new key made up at the yard," said Teal.

Chief Inspector Teal got into a police car with the two uniformed officers, and one of them drove them away.

"Excuse me," said Ian, "Could you tell us the date?"

"14th of September," said the Saint.

"If it's not an odd question, what year?" asked Ian.

"Well it is an odd question, but I'll tell you anyway. It's 1964," said the Saint, "Do come from a street where the newsagencies have run out of calendars? I can always recommend a good post office. Claud's keen to have my picture on its walls."

"Don't interfere," said the Doctor to Susan, "This conversation is quite inconsequential. As hard as it will be, we must make Chesterton see that this is not the real 1960s London, but a fictional version of it written by the author Leslie Charteris for his character the Saint, and later adapted for television by actor Roger Moore and producer Roy Ward Baker. Do you remember the time we stayed in England for 3 months? I read all the early Saint books, right up until Charteris stopped writing real Saint stories and began recycling his generic magazine shorts as Saint stories."

"He'll never go back into the TARDIS with Barbara, if we can't persuade him," said Susan.

"I think William Russell and Jacqueline Hill's reactions to my post office walls crack are very well played," said a voice that seemed to come from nowhere.

It sounded like Simon Templar's, only aged several decades.

"Who said that?" asked Barbara.

"I don't hear anything," said the Saint.

"I wanted to get both you and as many of the Doctor Who characters as possible into the shot," came another disembodied voice, which has no familiarity at all, "It was important to show that Chesterton and Barbara didn't know what had happened to them."

"Do you mean you can't hear that other voice?" asked Barbara, "The first one sounded like you, Mister Templar."

"I could also recommend a good psychiatrist," said the Saint, "But I really must be off."

Simon Templar walked away, hailed a taxi and left the scene.

"How did you come to be involved, Verity?" asked the voice which sounded like an aged Simon Templar.

"When I got word from the BBC that we were doing a crossover with the Saint, I wanted to preserve the distinctive qualities of our Doctor Who characters…" said a woman's voice.

"Doctor, I'm glad to be back in our own time and place, but why is it being haunted by voices of invisible people?" asked Barbara.

"That's just it, my dear. You're not in your own time and place. You're not in any place," said the Doctor, "I know what's happening now. Ian removed the reality stabilizer knob from the TARDIS console. That action removed us from reality and into the land of fiction. We could have randomly ended up in any work of fiction. In this case, we're in one of the stories of Simon Templar the Saint."

"Oh come off it, Doctor. No wild con story like that is going to make either of us set foot in that machine of yours again. I'll bet you projected those voices from the TARDIS speakers."

"But the policeman called that man Templar," said Barbara, "I read a few of the Saint novels in my twenties. I used to see myself as his girlfriend Patricia Holm. But there was no science fiction element in it."

"Except for Professor Vargan's electron cloud in 'The Last Hero' and the giant insects in 'The Man who liked Ants'," said the Doctor helpfully.

"If that's really true," said Ian, "Then why are we hearing those voices?"

"Man of the Saint stories were filmed for television and movies," said the Doctor, "And decades after that, they were released on entertainment recording media called DVDs, often with a commentary added by the stars and production staff. As Timelords, Susan and I can understand any language spoken anywhere we go in time and space. We allowed you to share that gift in the caveman times in our last adventure. It seems that, in the land of fiction, we can also hear the voices of the DVD commentary about this particular story, as long as we're in it. You and Barbara heard it too, because we have allowed you to share that same gift. Simon Templar couldn't hear it, because he is an original part of the fiction, unlike us late arrivals, and hence because he doesn't have access to our gift."

"It makes sense, Ian," said Barbara, "The first voice we heard sounded like Simon Templar's, but older, come to think of it, like Roger Moore's but older. I saw a few episodes of the Saint TV series before we left in the TARDIS."

"But who is that Verity woman who was talking about us?" asked Ian.

"When we became part of the land of fiction, we became susceptible to television media ourselves," said the Doctor, "As long as we remain here, there will be a television show about us in production. Verity must be a producer of a show named after me. Now will you return to the TARDIS, young man?"

"Not until I've been to Coal Hill School," said Ian, "And not in your TARDIS. It won't take us that long by public transport. I still have my wallet with enough money in it."

"Alright we'll go with you," said the Doctor, "But you won't like it, dear boy."

The bus reached the location of Coal Hill School, but it wasn't Coal Hill School. The site looked the same. The buildings looked the same, but the school had an entirely different name. Ian insisted on going in anyway, and was asked to leave the premises by the headmaster, who had never heard of Ian or Barbara.

"Don't you see, Chesterton, we're fiction now. This is merely the location school that Verity's television network used in order to shoot the external scenes for the story of the adventure in which you and I first met," said the Doctor.

Ian sighed heavily.

"Let's try my home," he said.

After this met with a similar surprise and disappointment, Ian was ready to concede.

"I suppose I can't argue with disembodied voices, places that don't make sense, and policemen talking to the lead character of a series of novels," said Ian, "Alright Doctor, let's go, but please try harder to get us back to the real 1964 London. For a moment, I was still thinking of staying here and making the best of it, but it's not real."

The Doctor and his companions returned to the TARDIS.

Elsewhere in Scotland Yard, Chief Inspector Teal was exploding at his subordinates.

"What do you mean it's not there?" he asked.

"Sir, when we went to try the new key, the police box was gone. One witness claims it disappeared before his very eyes."

"It's Templar! I don't know what he's up to, but only he could make off with a police box, and I'll prove it, if it's the last thing I do!" said Teal, "Interview that witness again. Take statements from anyone in the area! Find that police box and get me Simon Templar!"

Watch for the logo of the Doctor. He will be back.


End file.
